V's Teeth

Retainers

2009-09-12T04:55:00.000-07:00

Just a word about my retainers, the only remnant left to remind me of the last couple of years (that, and the screws in my face that I can feel just below my eyes!).

I have some clear retainers, that sit over my teeth, a bit like dentures. Although they are infinitely more annoying - I have to take them out to eat (not essential, but the food gets stuck beneath them), and when brushing my teeth. They are supposed to be in for the rest of the time but I can get away with the occasional break (e.g. as for my friend's wedding last weekend - after all, I thought it would be most improper taking them out at the table for the dinner!). I'll be wearing them permanently for about 4 months, then just at night for about 2 months hopefully.

I'm now having to brush my teeth about 5 times a day! And the state of them first thing in the morning... Yeugh. I've always been afflicted with pretty special morning breath, but it's something else these days.

However, it's still SO much better than having my brace in. I've never grinned so much in my life!

Photos

2009-09-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Righto.. This will be a fairly long post (not word-wise) but the braces are off (hurrah!) and I've just got hold of all my copies of photos and x-rays so am going to try and get the full effect of before-after on here!

So to start with, front-on view, smiling 1) Pre-treatment 2)Pre-surgery after nearly 2 years of orthodontics, 3) Post surgery and de-bonding

And here, the same again, but side on mouth closed 'naturally':

And then just to finish off, teeth before/after treatment with a side-view x-ray of my hardware:

Long time, no see!

2009-08-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

So it has been a rubbish couple of months for me blog-wise; after the internet repeatedly disappearing in my flat (it's back on now), then having to seriously knuckle down for the end-of-year exams (all passed), as well as Dad finally receiving a kidney transplant after 4 years of waiting (not quite out the woods yet and working, but still incredible), and now Mum having minor surgery today (phew!), I have massively fallen behind in my updating - which is what I swore I didn't want to do after experiencing the disappointing dwindle of so many blogs post-surgery. And I can't believe how many surgeries and updates I have missed - will definitely catch up. But I'm sure you'll all forgive me under the circumstances.

So the state of my jaw today is... well, pretty much fully functional with no areas of numbness or even tingling. I can open it as wide as pre-surgery as well as even still touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. I am one lucky girl.

The last few months have been agonising however for a new reason; I'd gotten used to the braces pre-surgery and with the big date looming you don't even imagine life after de-bracing. But once the big day comes and goes and you're well recovered, it's ALL I can think about. And it's not even as though they are doing much - literally half-millimetres of tweaking and fine tuning. Promptin me to ask my consultant whether anyone had proposed a study of the correlation between orthodontists and incidence of OCD...

But.. the great news is...

I'M BEING DEBONDED NEXT FRIDAY!!!

I honestly can't wait and will have pics of pre-and post- up for comparison once I get round to taking them.

As for how this whole process has affected my life? Well...

1. Looking at old photos of myself is incredibly weird. Like it's not me. Not the reaction people assume I have looking in the mirror now - quite the reverse. I can't get over how *bad* I looked; pictures that I'd thought were OK (they were, just the best of a bad situation) I now can't believe I felt that way about. For ages, I felt a bit funny about my new face, but I am super-used to it now, and thrilled.

2. Life still goes on. I found I had the same problems and dramas pre-surgery, but a combination of feeling more myself due to the sugery and the wonderful counsellor I see through uni have given me the confidence to do something about it.

3. Have patience! Invariably, the process will take a lot longer than you expect. But it's worth it and patience means better results, no matter how frustrating!!!

4. Even now, 5 months after surgery, I'm still seeing old friends for the first time who marvel at my new face. Which is a nice reminder, as I've almost forgotten it happened by now!

5. I'm still getting approached all the time by weirdos trying to chat me up. Only now there are more of them. And the flattery is more OTT than before but I can now accept it deep down. And then run away... :)

So.. photos and developments to come. I couldn't have done it without all your support and the main message I want to send, in my own personal case is that I am so so happy I've been through this journey and pleased with the result at the end of it. It's by no means easy, but every time I look in the mirror, I smile and it looks FABULOUS!

Rollercoaster

2009-06-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how quickly time has been flying. It almost seems impossible that I ever had a different face, and that it was broken a matter of weeks ago. Sometimes, I need to look at old pictures to remember what it was like - somewhat akin to pinching oneself to wake from a dream.

It's also coincided, that I have been incredibly busy at school, and have barely had time to contemplate things. I think this is definitely a good thing, and I am glad that I am still having my weekly counselling sessions as it is a good outlet particularly for the things that seem to be happening to me on a sub-conscious level, and to just live life during the rest of the time.

There is no question that I am so much happier with myself now, although I am having to work hard to undo the damage to my psyche from previous relationships and friendships and re-learning who I am again. I know it's going to be a long journey yet but I genuinely feel that the steps I am taking/have taken are heading in the right direction. I already feel more assertive in hospital, and am less happy to put up with things I don't want. I had it out with a friend that I'd been involved with romantically a while back, and said quite a few hurtful things, effectively burning any bridges in the process which was incredibly unlike me. It had been a tumultous, manipulative 'friendship' and he'd hurt me a lot but I'd never have made a scene before. It was a bit of a shock when I ended up walking past him at a train station, but it was a flash and I don't think he saw me, or if he did I was being ignored. It's a new thing for me to stand by my convictions and not cave in because I am worried about upsetting everyone, but I know it's not possible to please everyone - I just feel like I have more courage to stand up for what it is I want. I've undergone a life-changing life experience though, and my life has to change accordingly.

Knowing what one wants, however, is a whole different ball game - I think if anything that is the biggest lesson to be learnt. I know that I can stop feeling bad about myself now though, and concentrate on moulding myself as a person to match my new, wonderful face!

I *almost* feel like my old self again, when I was at my happiest!

Net Downtime

2009-06-11T06:43:00.001-07:00

Hi all...!

Just a quickie, I haven't forgotten about you all but my net connection has been down for a few weeks.. So am trying to steal snippets of time on the uni computers which has meant not keep up-to-date/not updating over the last few weeks... Hopefully things will be sorted out soon though and can get back on track! Been busy as hell too and will post a nice long update soon...

xxx

Latest

2009-05-17T11:58:00.001-07:00

Thanks all for the incredibly kind comments. There are still up and down days, but on the whole they are up. I just wanted to make sure that you all know the full story - I can imagine it would seem as though it is too good to be true otherwise!

Thankfully I passed my exam (although only just scraped the first one).. so that's all good (for the very short time being).

I have also been doing some life-sorting... After realising nothing had really changed with certain friendships and relationships post-op I am saying the things I want to say and getting the result that I need, whether that be fixing things or binning destructive relationships. It's liberating but may be a little hasty. Still, I am much more confident in the thought of living with the consequences now I am post-op. Whether or not this makes me happier, we'll have to see in the long-term...

Crashdown

2009-05-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

Just a short post, because I don't want my recovery to seem one-sided.

I don't know whether it's tiredness, the trauma of finally having done my exam yesterday and freaking out about my ability as a potential doctor, or the dredging up of all my deep insecurities with my counsellor, but today I felt absolutely rotten.

It wasn't entirely unexpected, and is the reason I started going to see someone pre-surgery to talk through the issues, but I felt massively 'disappointed' today. Now the excitement of new-face and seeing people's reactions has worn off, it's back to normality. And things feel just the same as they did before. I think maybe it's because I haven't had a chance to exercise my new confidence just yet, but today I just felt hideously sad. I feel like my face is still swollen and looks ridiculous (I know it isn't). Don't get me wrong it is still the BEST thing I have done, but I think it's important to be aware of what your expectations are and how things will or won't change post-surgery. I'm glad I thought through this before I went under the knife, that's for sure!

Just goes to show, there's still a little way to go; once the swelling has gone and the braces are off it will be great!

4 weeks post-op

2009-05-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

Just taken a couple of pictures to mark one whole month post-op. It's the end of the day and I look a little tired and dishevelled, but hopefully you can see the swelling has come down some (though that pesky bruise is still there!)

Have also found my favourite soft-diet brekkie: Porridge with chopped up banana and plenty of cinammon... Yum!

Am also supposed to start exercising my jaw from today so am stretching a little in front of the TV... can almost get about 3 fingers flat in my mouth so it's looking good.

3.5 weeks post-op

2009-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hello all! I am still here and very much not forgotten about you all.... needless to say I am enjoying showing off my new face and so it has been a very busy week or so, and also back to school so haven't gotten round to posting or putting up any new pics (the latter I will try to do over the next couple of days...).

Things have been going well. I feel a LOT happier in myself, although it is intriguing, not knowing whether my face is going to stay this way, or whether it is still swollen and will decrease further. I guess time will tell. I had a combined clinic on Friday, and it was completely the opposite from the clinics I had before surgery, when I was super paranoid and unhappy with everyone analysing my face. This time everyone was just grinning lots, as though they were so happy with their handiwork (and rightly so). It also appears that I will be being de-bonded very soon (as in, weeks rather than months) which has caused no end of excitement! I guess it was worth having all the tweaking done beforehand and having to wait longer for my surgery (let that be a lesson to you folks waiting for it!).

I then had a braided wire put on the bottom teeth, and finally saw the ortho that has been doing my treatment as she had exams during the first appointment. I welled up when I spoke about how happy I am and she said 'You're not allowed to cry, you'll start me off!'. She has been an incredible support. It has been SUCH an emotional few weeks. The counsellor has been very helpful too over the last couple of weeks to address some of the underlying issues and I'd still definitely recommend seeing someone.

So all-in-all it has been good. It's funny seeing the reactions of people I know but it is also funny dealing with people that didn't know me before - for example a new girl in my group at school said 'You have something green on your face...' and I had to point out it was a bruise. And then explain the surgery. And then get the 'before' pictures out... I'd definitely recommend taking these and having copies on your phone etc for these kinds of situations. And even to help close friends remember what you looked before/appreciate what exactly was done.

I will try and take some pictures this week. The swelling has gone down quite a lot and the bruise has almost disappeared, so that in itself is an update...!

Gelfling

2009-04-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

One of my friends hit the nail on the head.

I look like a gelfling from the Dark Crystal right now.

That's not a bad thing, but still amused me!

For those who don't remember:

Still a little more swelling and bruising to go then...

And elastic bands are popping all over the place! Very tricky hooking them so far back on the right but as the swelling is going I am able to pull my cheek back more so got there eventually!

First counselling sessiong post-op this afternoon, will see how that goes!

And looks like they won't let me sit my exam tomorrow, but that's no great loss as I'm not especially prepared! But back to school on Monday as scheduled!

Ping!

2009-04-20T16:51:00.001-07:00

I was tentatively exploring the inside of my mouth with my tongue this evening now that I have a little more opening ability. Feeling the stitches but trying not to disrupt/dislodge anything, when all of a sudden

*PING*!

The single elastic on the left snaps and basically whips against my lip.

Needless to say I stopped fiddling once I'd attached a new one.

Glad it wasn't the other side - I don't think I'd get back far enough to hook it on!

Other than that no news. I am going to have to venture out tomorrow evening, my friend has free tickets to some posh cultural classical night. Luckily, my housemate has some theatrical concealer which should do the trick...

Also trying to get my exam changed back to Thursday, as I'm managing to speak alright and would rather just get it out of the way. Have yet to hear if they'll let me though, so will try and do some reviewing in anticipation.

Otherwise, should be good to go back to school next Monday, for the beginning of term, which means not having to miss anything, which is good.

Waiting for the remaining bruising/swelling to go down so I can do some good before/after shots.

Am finding it's not actually people who know me that have funny reactions or don't recognise me - it's those on the peripheries like their girlfriends or parents etc. If in doubt I just cover the bottom half of my face until they realise who I am! Comedy!

Day 10: First ortho visit

2009-04-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

So today was the first visit to the orthodontists, and it went well also. He said the bruising is a lot worse than most peeps (see George, perhaps yours won't be so bad after all..) but agreed that my progress was really good and looked happy with the result so far. Best of all, he said it probably would only take a couple of months of work before de-bonding!!!! Then he abandoned the elastics at the front altogether, so I now have 2 sets a bit further back, just to close the slight open occlusion on the right. Have taken the non-elastic opportunity to include a few shots of my amazingly straight and CLASS I teeth for you all (as well as some more of that bruising:

My lip still sags a little on the upper right (left in the picture) as the stitches still pull somewhat. I'm sure this will be better.

As far as numbness goes, I can't feel the left side of my nose/cheek junction, and a spot on my hard palate on the left, but generally most sensation is intact. Swelling-wise it's not too bad and has gone down quite a lot, so looking a little more like myself:

Next appointment is in 2 weeks, in the combined clinic with OS and ortho. I can't wait to see my ortho that has been doing all my treatment after her exams are finished, I'm sure she will be very happy with her hard work!

I need to start thinking about doing some work now, as think the way I'm feeling/things are progressing I should be alright to get back to school for the new term a week on Monday. I also have my session with the counsellor next Wednesday - will see what she makes of it!

I also have finally joined the ranks and finally got round to watching Season 1 of 24. And am thoroughly addicted!

Day 8: Mashed Potato

2009-04-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

The visit to the OS went swimmingly.

He couldn't believe it's only been a week since surgery.

They're allowing me to take of the bands at the front to eat and brush a little (heavenly) and I have a fair amount of movement, but it is still a little tedious. The bite was a little open on the right, but he is not too concerned as adjustments can be made orthodontically. However, as a precaution the bands are being left a little tighter on the right and doubled over at the front. So I am basically being held shut between meals and talking through my teeth, which isn't so bad as I get a little release.

So off I skipped home with plenty of spare elastics in case of breakages (those bad boys are tricky to double over the hooks!), and boiled up some cheesy mash. I swear, nothing has EVER tasted so good. Still getting used to putting the baby spoon in my mouth with my teeth the other way round, but I'll be happy if the novelty never wears off!

Next up have my first visit to the ortho on Fri, sadly the post-graduate that's been doing my treatment is having her exams so won't be there, but I can't wait for her to see the result in a couple of weeks!

Day 7

2009-04-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Long day today, have had some lovely visitors today including my gorgeous 7-month old god-daughter, though was hard to stop her grabbing and headbutting my face!

I also had the most wonderful smoothie - mum blended up a slice of raspberry cheesecake with some milk. It was divine. God-daughter's mum also brought me thai chicken soup which was yummy!

Trip to the surgeons for check up tomorrow - here's hoping for elastic loosening!!

Day 6

2009-04-13T02:54:00.001-07:00

I always feel better in the morning, but am much brighter today. To the point of I'm going to post some new pics. The bruising is a bit more yellow and has descended onto my throat a little but it's not so bad. I think the swelling is going down a little. I don't feel quite as sick today, but will see if I manage to keep some more down. Fingers crossed!

Have included the last one, with the flash, as I think the bruising is a bit more visible - but not too bad at all!

Day 5

2009-04-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

I feel absolutely rotten.

Vomited up some carrot juice yesterday, and even though it was terrifying, it wasn't difficult. However, I haven't felt right since and am struggling to take in anything, including meds. If it wasn't for the antibiotics I'm on, I doubt I would even take those. Am trying to keep hydrated, as that's most important, but I feel weak and sleepy the whole time, with a weird feeling in my stomach. I have quite a weak tummy anyway, and so it wasn't completely unexpected, but I really don't want to lose too much weight and mum is a little worried I'm not taking anything down which doesn't help.

I'm thinking, once the antibiotics have finished this should help a bit, and my visit with the surgeon on Wednesday. It's good to focus on that, and I think if I can make it through to then things will get better.

Am also finding it hard to keep my mouth clean. I can't really open my lips too far and am worried about disrupting stitches etc, so I haven't been brushing, but have been using lots of antiseptic mouth rinse - the last thing I want right now is an infection.

So am feeling massively sorry for myself, which my family are eating a nice big Easter dinner next door. But I still have no regrets at all.

Oh, and yawning is very interesting indeed! Am terrified that I will re-break my jaw or something! Just as well I had a lot of practice at yawning with my mouth closed in college isn't it...!

The Power of Endorphins

2009-04-11T01:41:00.000-07:00

So it finally happened. I should've seen it coming, really.

In med school, you learn about the body's endogenous (natural) painkillers. These are called endorphins, the same things that are realeased during exercise (though I must admit this never worked for me!) They work on opiate receptors, the same as morphine and heroin, which is why you get the high/pain relieving properties of those substances. There have been stories in medical literature, where for example farmers have accidents where their arms get chopped off, but calm as you like they pick up the severed limb and walk for miles to the hospital in absolutely no pain whatsoever. This has been attributed to the said endorphins released as a defence mechanism. Then they wear off...

I think this is what happened to me. The docs kept warning me that I was high and would crash down, but in my euphoria I completely forgot about this fact. It's powerful stuff. I got home yesterday and started feeling very sorry for myself, and had a little cry before bed - not too big, as I can't blow my nose! But my mum has been great support and I don't know what I would've done without her for the last few hours.

I am so very happy already with the results, and don't regret it for ONE second, but now that my muscles are all spasming and I'm finding it hard to talk/open my mouth/drink/take disgusting meds it's natural to feel sorry for oneself. I know it can only get better though, and even though it tires me out, am still trying to be in touch with friends etc as I know ultimately it cheers me up. Once I got to sleep last night, I slept well and straight through until I woke with tightness in my face about 8.30 am - no way I can forget what time to take my meds! I also had a bath and washed my hair for the first time this morning, which again although exhausting is definitely a boost. Trying to keep calories up is the biggest chore at the moment, as I'm not too hungry and still feel a bit weak so I know I actually need to try and get them in.

I'll try and take some pics from today and post them later though there's not a huge change. The bruising is perhaps a little darker but it's not spread so much.

Day 3 - Hometime

2009-04-10T07:17:00.001-07:00

I can't get over how small my face is and how young I look, as well as the cute little upturned nose I've got now! Wondered how that would come out after the op! :)

Day 2

2009-04-10T07:15:00.001-07:00

Day 1

2009-04-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

Straight out of op:

Back from the hospital

2009-04-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, thanks so much for your kind messages! I have been itching to get home and write up the last couple of days for you all!

I have been quite possibly the luckiest girl in the world. I am going to write about every gory detail so those who don't want to read please stop now... Otherwise will be a bit of a long one! But seeing as this was my first time in hospital/surgery full stop I want to write about it for those who might not know what to expect either!

I went into hospital the night before, and lucked out with a room on my own with an en-suite and the nicest bunch of nurses ever. Was surprisingly calm but didn't sleep too well. The nurse wouldn't give me my valium because the dose was a bit high and to be honest by the time she would've got hold of the on-call doc it would've been too late, so I thought I'd try and sleep by myself but was far too excited. Found out I was first on the list which was a huge relief because I think

I was woken up early the next morning and took a shower. Did absolutely fine up until about 7.30 and then started freaking out, so just played my ipod and took deep breaths until I was called down. Got onto a trolley in theatre and thankfully had a nice chap next to me equally nervous about his op for his broken leg after a hit-and-run accident. Had several checks and before I knew it was being wheeled into theatre.

I was dreading having a cannula put in more than the surgery itself (mainly due to my own inept-ness at putting them in!) but the anaesthetist was lovely. She put a baby one in and injected some sedative which made me feel amazingly high, and then injected the anaesthetic. I don't even remember falling asleep!

I was having a lovely, vivid dream, that I can't remember now, and all of a sudden someone was trying to wake me up. I was trying to talk straight away and completely disorientated. I felt a bit sick but couldn't throw up so the recovery nurses gave me some anti-sickness meds and some morphine. I was freaking out a little, not consciously, but more as a response to the anaesthetic - and started having hot flushes. I had blood coming out my mouth but couldn't quite grasp where or how as I couldn't feel it initially, but it wasn't too bad. They suctioned me lots and I know now it was probably because my wisdoms had been taken out at the same time also. The registrar came over and told me it went really well and that they'd come see me later, but I was completely out of it - was even trying to answer questions that the recovery nurse was asking the other newly qualified nurse!

So that was about 12.30 or so, after going into theatre about 9 - couldn't believe how quick I was out and how great I felt. I got wheeled up to the ward where my family were on their way. I had one more round of suction to get the blood out and then some mouthwash which helped stop the bleeding and anaesthetised my mouth somewhat. I then had a nurse by my side for the whole time that day and that night, who were absolutely amazing. I didn't pass water til later that evening, but tried to use the commode as soon as I could, and managed to transfer OK. I have been taking sips of water out of a cup since I first came out of theatre, as have got complete feeling in all my lips. Have developed a couple of 'numb' spots either side of my nose, but it's more of a weird sensation than numb - I know everyone says that but there is no other way to describe it!

The only things that have bothered me a little are:

1. Not being able to blow my nose, as have been quite clotted up due to intermittent nosebleeds which aren't too bad and stop quite quickly

2. The back of my throat feels like it's coated with mucous and clots and I can't clear it - though this is getting better now I'm having thicker fluids.

3. My lips are a little cracked now - have been using a ton of vaseline but even had a coldsore come up the morning of surgery - typical!

4. Meds and supplement drinks taste pretty bad - and I'm quite tightly banded shut. Think that was to stop me talking so much!

5. Falling asleep is a little tricky because I'm a little anxious about it, but once I'm tired I just doze off so it's not too bad.

6. My 'Angelina Jolie' pout won't be here to stay!!!

When the docs came round later and the following morning, they told me that my bone was very thin and actually my mandible snapped in 2 places on the right so he needed to put an extra couple of plates in - so I'm amazed I have only been on minimal pain relief since being back on the ward! It was a relief to finally have some soup yesterday and can't stop drinking it now! The doc also told me that they'd obviously seen the result before I was all swollen and that I'd be VERY happy with the result - I already am despite the swelling making me look a bit like something out of Bo Selecta!!

The Call

2009-04-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD.

I can't believe this is finally happening.

I just had a call to say there is a bed for me at the hospital, I need to be there at 6pm to get admitted.

So now running around like a headless chicken because I hadn't fully packed to make sure I don't forget anything! Didn't want to have everything *too* ready, in case it didn't go ahead... :)

So my mum is on her way over and we are going to lug all my stuff up to the hospital. I have had to try and pack a few things I might need while staying at theirs for the couple of weeks after so it's all a bit mental.

And we had a visit from the police last night at 4am looking for our dodgy landlord. I don't recommend this for the night before surgical admission, just for the record....

I will try and update as soon as I'm home, I get the feeling this may well be after the Easter weekend unless I make a miraculous recovery.

Love to you all and thanks so much for all the support, you have no idea how much it has meant over these last 2 years... And for those of you waiting, it *WILL* be your turn one day!!!

Close Ups

2009-04-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Look away, those with a nervous disposition!!!

Nice view of the surgical hooks there... and can see that the midlines don't meet.

Pre-op Photos

2009-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping I'm not jinxing myself by labelling them as such, but here are my pre-op photos, as of today. In all of them I have my jaws tight shut, so that gap is there all the time. As you can see, the underbite is massive, have a weak top jaw and lip and the midlines are skewed to one side on the lower jaw. The chin is quite large, but on moving it back it might not be that prominent, apparently my surgeon likes to wait and see if any more work is required once healed..

And the one of my looking moody is just with my mouth closed - it's no surprise I'm known for smiling all the time is it!

I would never have allowed profile pictures before all this, but now knowing that it's all getting fixed makes things a lot easier!!

Archwired.com...

2009-04-05T04:21:00.000-07:00

.... Has gone down! Right before my surgery! Eek!!!

Perfect fit!!

2009-04-03T04:28:00.000-07:00

I just can't WAIT for it to be next week now...

Went to see the registrar (who is also so very nice!) as my surgeon couldn't make the appointment, and the wafers fit perfectly!! And they showed me the final cast and the configuration of my teeth. I am so excited now. Also have my first couple of orthodontic appointments booked, first one is about 10 days after surgery.

Could it finally be that everything is finally going to run smoothly for a change!? I do hope so! Thinking positive!

Getting help

2009-03-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I went along to the school counsellor. I had a bit of a meltdown a couple of weeks ago, and my poor friend that got the brunt of my tears sorted out a referral form after her saying that she can't believe I'm going through such a psychological upheaval without talking to anybody. Not that everyone should go and see a counsellor, but it is definitely such a big deal for me personally that she was totally right.

It was a bit of an ordeal and I don't think we even began to touch on a lot of the issues but I think it will be a very valuable process in the long run. She's asked me to come in the morning before surgery, next Tuesday, to have another session so I think it will be good as my nerves inevitably will have started kicking in by then! This last week has absolutely flown by so I can't even imagine how quick the next one will go!!!

Hooks!

2009-03-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

So this morning was my work-up - had countless impressions of my bite and full teeth taken, final measurements and x-rays, as well as the installation of the dreaded surgical hooks. I didn't realise I would have one in between my 2 front top and bottom incisors! Yeesh, they are SO annoying. Haven't started hurting yet, but have my trusty wax to hand for when they do.

Can't believe it is the last time I saw my ortho now until after the surgery! I am having my pre-operative assessment tomorrow and then the appointment palaver has been sorted for next Friday... And that's it! Two weeks away! I am still hoping they won't cancel due to bed shortages, although I am convinced this is going to be the case! Good vibes from everyone on the 7th/8th please!!! God knows what I'll do if it doesn't go ahead as scheduled!

It really feels like it's all finally happening, and I can't believe it. Have started to be excited again and not just apprehensive as I have been the last few weeks. Have been showing mum plenty of post-op photos so she knows what to expect.

Have also finally moved house, it was such a relief on Saturday night to have everything unpacked and one element of stress disappear completely. Now for the end of term assignment... So enough procrastination already, and will crack on! Then I can concentrate solely on pre-op nerves!

Greedy lazy buggers

2009-03-14T17:10:00.000-07:00

I am SO looking forward to the day I have nothing to moan about.

I don't understand, why it has been the case for the last few months, that whenever anything is to happen, it can't just go ahead without any hiccups or hitches.

We went up to the new flat today to collect the keys etc and it was a tip. Hasn't really been cleaned since the last tenants, there are even drinks in the fridge still etc, and there are a few safety issues, namely some broken plug sockets, 2 windows that don't close (although not desperate as they are 3rd floor up), a new front door has been fitted but hasn't been painted or varnished so looks a good target for breaking in, and will rot in no time once it rains some, and a pile of furniture heaped up on a flimsy bit of board above the stairs. We can't move in while it's in this state, and the landlord claims he came yesterday and cleaned it himself! So we now have to meet with him tomorrow (instead of moving in) and try and reach some agreement as to what needs doing to make it safe, even though the rent is commencing from tomorrow. And the estate agency are no help at all (obviously taking the side of the landlord whenever it comes down to this).

It never ceases to amaze me how alone tenants are in the Big Bad World of renting. And although I am in no way naive, it still distresses me how inhumane people can be when it comes to money, and ripping other folk off. It makes me ashamed to be human sometimes.

Yet another thing to add to the list of pre-exam stresses, although I was hoping this would have been at least one that would've been resolved by Monday. For a half-full-glass-girl, I'm starting to find it mighty hard to stay optimistic; is it any wonder that I am convinced it will be just my luck for my surgery date to get cancelled!!??

Update

2009-03-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

So thank god my Ortho finally found out what had happened and is on the case. Apparently my surgeon can't make the wafer-fitting day but his registrar is going to come and do it in the morning, of the same day - I just don't know when.

It will be good to meet the reg though, seeing as he potentially may be assisting on the surgery... Do hope he doesn't put me off!

Having good days and bad days at the moment - seem quite weather-dependent, but think things will be a little easier once I've moved house and the end of term happens (i.e., I've handed my assignment in). Then I can just dedicate all my anxiety at the surgery. After reading other blogs am kinda sad I won't have an other half there with me, but think that's just because I am generally feeling sorry for myself today. I have tons of amazing friends who will all be on hand to mock my chipmunk face and cheer me up, so it could be a lot worse.

Morons

2009-03-01T01:51:00.000-08:00

I received a letter in the post on Thursday that beggars belief. Before I divulge its contents let me give you a quick idea of what appointments I have left pre-surgery:

March 23rd - Pre op 'work-up'; this is where they take the final measurements and casts so they can make the wafer - as mentioned before this is the plastic mould of my corrected bite they will use during the surgery to guide my jaws into the correct position

Tues 31st - Pre op check up, bloods etc to make sure I'm fit for surgery

April 3rd - The fitting of the wafer, to make sure it will fit over my teeth - though in fairness my ortho did say not everyone does this (although I can imagine it will give me piece of mind)

April 8th - Surgery

So this letter tells me that regrettably, my appointment on April 3rd has had to be moved. To May 1st. Almost a month AFTER my surgery.

I tried to suppress the wave of panic building up (I'm so much more anxious about everything these days - especially as I'm convinced my date is going to get cancelled and I have no idea how I am going to cope if that happens) and gave the number a call on Friday morning.

Of course, the woman that books appointments for the whole (large) department had no idea why it changed. So she put me through to the consultant's office. I spoke to a guy (I assume the secretary) who took down my hospital number and contact phone and told me he'd get back to me. I hadn't heard anything by the afternoon so called back. He hadn't even looked into it yet, and I told him that actually I think my ortho should be in this afternoon - he told me that was good to know and he would get her to call me. Didn't hear from anybody (and I know she would have called me if she'd got the message, so figured the weakest link there).

I'm just so annoyed as now have had to sit stewing about it over the weekend which is what I didn't want to happen. And ortho is not back in at the hospital until next Friday. And I'm so busy on Monday I can't keep chasing it up.

Don't people realise how stressful going through surgery is, without making it worse? If it's a simple re-schedule it could've been dealt with there and then.

I know I'm just being overly-anxious but I'm struggling to keep calm as it is. Fingers crossed it will all get sorted by someone with a little more competence.

Nights

2009-02-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

It's been a VERY long time since I worked a night shift.

And even then I used to get some sleep during the day.

Not have a full day of teaching during the day before and teaching the following morning.

I am pretty shattered, but am more peeved that it wasn't even worth it! Not one single neurosurgical emergency, dammit!

Though one of the wards (the same hospital I'm having my op) had a MaxFax patient on it, according to the board. I really wanted to sneak in and take a look to see what they look like in Real Life, as I don't think online pics *quite* cut it.

Probably just as well I didn't; don't want to freak myself out any more than I am already!

I'm off for a snooze!

Day off!

2009-02-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

I love being snowed in - so although we couldn't fashion a brace, I still LOVE our effort, what do you think? :D

Snow

2009-02-02T00:26:00.000-08:00

I'm snowed in!

I don't remember the last time we had this much snowfall in London. There are some pictures of me being very small and playing in the snow but I don't really remember it.

The ensuing chaos can only happen in England.

There is not a single bus running, the trains and tube are all but cancelled, and so I can't get into hospital today. Was dreading having to get up but I really needed to leave the house, so it's a bit of a shame really.

The BBC news is hilarious; the reporters look as though they are having a field day taking joy in reporting on the misery and chaos today; us Brits love to have a good moan (as I'm sure you can tell already!), and I have laughed for the first time properly in a couple of days at videos of people trying to push broken-down cars and sliding all over the place.

So I'm going to snuggle back into bed and may even build a snowman later. May try and find something with which to fashion some braces out for it...!

About... Turn!

2009-01-31T04:30:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how quickly things can change.

The Boy slept with someone else Thursday night so I finished with him.

The old V without imminent surgery would've sat and agonised over why it happened, and The Profile would've been blamed at some point.

I'm so glad that I can just shrug off the whole thing now. To be honest it was quite hard to open up fully to him about the whole thing and it really is a journey I've made thus far on my own, and think it's better in the long run if I finish it alone too.

Sounds depressing: but really, I feel OK about the whole thing.

Getting nearer...

2009-01-24T17:45:00.001-08:00

I had my latest adjustment last week.

As Ortho and I were looking at our diaries for next appointment and making sure I had the right pre-op assessment days noted down, she said 'OK so next appointment is in February... then March.. But your work-up is March 23rd so we'll probably need to fit another one in between...'

And then it dawned on me just how quickly the time is flying by and how near it is until surgery (I know, I know, it's not until April, but appointment-wise there are only 3 or 4 left!) and I have shifted into being a little scared rather than just fed up as I have been for the last 18 months. In a good way, but it's still terrifying all the same. And after having waited for so long I still can't quite believe it's actually happening.

Then joy of joys she put back my old hardcore-heavy-duty wire (that was removed for the bracket readjustment when we went back to piddly little thin wire) and a power chain as the gaps had started to open up. It had been a LONG time since I had adjustment pain, I still can't quite bite down. Porridge was my friend that weekend (don't even LIKE the stuff!) and had to muddle through dinner meeting The Boy's friends (noodles again were soft enough, just took me ages). Spent most of the weekend panicking at the poor thing that if it is this bad now, what the hell is it going to be like when I have the surgery...

But all in all am feeling very positive and am so busy at school that I haven't been spending as much time thinking about it as I did over Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-22T17:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm one more adjustment post-good news receipt and I am feeling incredibly positive about the whole thing. Although I did have my first freak-out the other day but tried not to dwell on thinking about the actual surgery day. I guess I'm not as relaxed about it as I thought and they will have to dose me up with plenty of diazepam beforehand after all!

I'm very excited that it looks like this is the last Christmas I shall be braced up... I can't believe how quickly the last month has flown and it'll be no time before I end up out cold having my face broken!!

I finished last term on a high, had some very positive feedback from my Consultant, y'know the one who has severe foot-in-mouth syndrome... who recognised my hard work which is always nice. I just need to pass the exam (helpfully set for just after Christmas, of course, thus ruining any chance of switching off completely...) and all will be good and shall set me up well for my next rotation.

I also met a wonderful guy (ironically, at a time when my aesthetics are at their worst - unbelievable!) who is incredibly considerate and supportive and that has been an unexpected but exciting twist in my life. Although I have to say it does worry me somewhat when reading the wonderful Bella's latest blog post:

Update on Changes in Appearance

I do hope that such a drastic change in my face will not cause too much trauma... I really think about the whole issue of what my face will look like post-surgery and make sure I talk to The Boy on the subject without scaring him off too much! I guess there is not much more you can do and you just have to hope for the best.

So yes, for once Christmas is looking pretty positive! I can't wait to see what the next few months bring and hope that everyone has a wonderful peaceful holiday and all their wishes come true over the next year! Especially those waiting on surgery dates! :)

Lots of love to all

V xxx

SURGERY DATE!!!

2008-11-15T05:02:00.001-08:00

Wow, so I'm still in shock a little. Came away from the consult with a date...!

Went in early to get some more impressions done and was ever so nervous. For those of you new to the experience it's very intimidating being in a room with at least 3 people staring intently at your face, pulling you this way and that, getting their rulers out and measuring every angle and telling you 'bite together' followed by 'broad smile'... But you just grit your teeth and get it over with...

So after a lot of fiddling with my moulds and discussion, they decided that I will need to have a full 10 mm of movement... 6 mm forward on my maxilla, 4 mm back on my mandible, and elevating my maxilla by 4 mm to prevent the gummy smile... The genioplasty wasn't mentioned again and I forgot to ask..

So then the diary comes out, and they ask when would be ideal. I tentatively said 'Well, obviously Christmas is the best.. but...' and that was ruled out straight away, as I thought it would. There are a few minor tweaks that need to be done still, and a lot of work-up and pre-assessment appointments too, and we agreed around Easter... So this is the calendar as it looks so far:

March 24th: Pre-assessment. As far as I'm aware this is the appointment where the final models and measurements are taken, so that the 'wafers' can be made and fitted. It sounds like they also make lots of measurements of my head so that my jaw can be aligned with my eyes, and ears etc.

April 3rd: They try the wafers to make sure they fit my teeth. I think this is like a splint which they use to line up my teeth during the surgery to ensure the bite is right.

April 8th: SURGERY!!

So.. it's really happening; of course, I need to run by the details with school but was great timing as I am seeing my tutor next Wednesday so I can discuss it then.

After the consult, my ortho took me to reposition 3 brackets on the teeth that need to be moved slightly and had my wires changed - has been a while since my teeth ached and they do again today! There'll be a few more appointments and I'll need some more hooks fitted apparently, but really when you think about it in terms of 6-weekly appointments it's not long at all! So even though it's not ideal, and it looks like I'll have to miss my friend's wedding, it's a huge relief to have something definite to plan around... Good luck to everyone else waiting on surgery dates!

Clinic

2008-11-07T03:59:00.001-08:00

I am absolutely terrified about my clinic with the surgeon next week; it's all I've been thinking about. I literally have no idea what to expect the outcome to be. I know worrying will not change that, but it's been building up for so long!

It's been a while since anyone made a particularly negative reference about my face, but it came yesterday courtesy of my Consultant firm head; we were having mid-rotation interviews and he asked me that his secretary had told him I was due to have surgery? So I explained the situation and he proceeded to mutter on about how it was 'definitely the right decision' and that it'll make such a difference, as when you compare other people's normal faces... Just as well I'm no longer overly sensitive about the whole thing; to be honest he's such a brusque kind of guy and doesn't really mean it nastily, more of an observation. And he made up for the fact by making some extremely positive comments about my progress so far, completely unprompted. We're changing over so that we're more ward-based next week and I can't wait!

Let's just hope my recent run of happiness and good luck carries forwardr to Friday.. fingers crossed!

Setback

2008-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

So I had my appointment today and mentioned the conversations I'd been having about potential time off at school, and what will be the best way to fit in with my exams and school. It was at that point my ortho looked a bit concerned. She had a look at my teeth and took another set of casts of my top teeth and the pre-molars *still* aren't right. She got her supervisor to take a look and he stated that she should arrange for the combined clinic as if it is a 10-week wait then it's better to book it now and not wait until the teeth are perfect to book it. My heart sank. 10 weeks!

Luckily she sneakily got me an appointment for the November combined clinic on the 24th (it's once a month), as I would've had to wait til December otherwise. But even *if* my teeth are perfect by then, I don't think it's likely there'll be a slot for me by mid-December, as I was hoping. I can only hope for a miracle that all will be fine for that date and somehow I can get fitted in. If not, I have no idea how I'm going to manage with school, it's going to be impossible.

So as a result I'm feeling awfully low, I'm so fed up with the whole thing and not knowing when this will all be over. I do know it'll be completely worth it, but in some ways knowing how great life will be in a few months just makes me more anxious to get there!

First Placement!

2008-09-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

So I am now on my first hospital placement and it's totally nerve-racking! It's mainly been inductions etc but there is going to be a LOT of work to do. I'm stuck out in a remote hospital which has actually worked out really well, as all the staff etc are so helpful and chilled out compared to their inner-city counterparts. I think I'll be sad to go at the end of it all. My updates probably won't be too frequent, as there's no net connection in our accommodation. And that's not the only reason why it feels like we're living in the 80's - you should see the mismatched decor. I love it!

I met with my co-ordinator who is a lovely lady and told her about The Impending Surgery.. And it turns out that her brother had it done a few years back. It's amazing how many people come out the woodwork and tell you about friends/relatives/etc who have been through orthognathic surgery, and yet I never knew anyone in the same boat growing up. She proceeded to tell me what a huge difference it had made to his life, and that he used to cover it with a beard but is now so confident and outgoing. I was a bit disturbed that she may have been implying I'm neither of those things, but then realised it was my first day and I probably did come across that way as I was nervous as hell.

However, the long and short of it was that she was extremely supportive and assured me we'll be able to work around it and it won't be a problem.

So I guess the next step is my next ortho appointment next week, and will try and discuss it then. It'd be nice if my teeth are *actually* ready though...

Feels like things are in motion. Still exciting, but the nerves are starting to kick in as are the new anxieties... It will all be fine, I'm sure.

Tutor meeting

2008-09-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

So after months of agonising, I finally got to meet my clinical tutor for the next few years...

... And he was a bit of an arse. Not that he is a bad guy, just super-busy and made it quite clear he's impossible to get hold of, which in my opinion is a pretty bad way to start out a pastoral role. I don't really see the point of getting involved if you don't really care and are looking around for other people to talk to. Still, I braved it and mentioned my upcoming maxfax journey.

He was a bit vague and unsupportive, but did say that someone had been through a similar surgery a couple of years ago and managed it. He did then mention that it'd be worth speaking to my year head, which was a good idea. I accosted said guy and basically deduced that what I had been thinking was probably going to be the least disruptive sequence of events. However, will need to run it by my placement co-ordinators next week when I meet them. There was a lot of talk of 'as long as you're not struggling with your work... we can make concessions...' No pressure then!

Am feeling generally a bit less lost though, and the sense of relief to *finally* talk to someone about it all got me choked up, although doesn't account for the foul mood that has set in over the last couple of weeks, due to various events. That will pass, I'm sure; will just get plenty of hugs. They always help. Virtual ones are appreciated too!

So next ortho appointment is on the 10th and should hopefully have spoken to the co-ordinator by then. I'll keep you all updated about whether things progress. Fingers crossed (although the fear is starting to creep in...)

Holiday!

2008-09-13T03:08:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Have just returned from the most amazing holiday, myself and some school friends went to Turkey for just over a week on a diving holiday. I qualified 3 years ago and haven't done any scuba diving since, but absolutely love it. So when one of my schoolfriends organised a trip, as he used to work there as an instructor in a previous life we all jumped at the chance.

A few of my friends did their PADI too and also fell in love with it, which makes the experience even better. The life was amazing, and the town was fantastic, and it was generally a good time, with one unforeseen problem..

As I said before it's been 3 years since I last dived, and my bite has changed since then. A lot. It was such a challenge keeping the regulator in my mouth, and it kept slipping out as well as ending up with a pretty sore TMJ from all the clenching. But then I got to thinking, will I be able to dive once I'm all fixed and healed?

Another question I hadn't thought of before yesterday on the way home: My passport doesn't run out til 2014, will I need to get a new picture before then when I have an entirely different face??? It's amazing, that despite the amount of time I spend thinking about not much else other than the surgery, I'm still finding questions and problems that I hadn't anticipated. It just goes to show, yet again, how life-changing this whole thing is!

Final Adjustment?

2008-08-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

Had another adjustment yesterday, but only the top archwire. Apparently my pre-molars need their roots kicked outwards so my ortho bent the wire up accordingly and re-inserted it, so hopefully that will do the trick. I genuinely find it all very interesting and remarkably clever, so am always trying to get her to update me with what's going on.

So fingers crossed, this should be the final adjustment now. I have another appointment booked early October where we'll take some more snaps and assess whether or not the teeth are in the right place. But it looks as though I'll be ready for the Christmas break hopefully - it will all basically depend on how school goes, but hopefully by my next appointment I will have a better idea with how this term will pan out, seeing as it's all change now that I'll be on placement.

But potentially will be eating my Christmas dinner through a straw which amuses me no end! May have to have one before I go in for surgery - now that would be a great 'last supper'!

My ortho was also impressed at how much better my problem area of gum is - she hasn't really had any patients using a water pik but it sounds like it will be incredibly useful post-surgery to keep my mouth clean...

WaterPik and pictures

2008-08-12T10:45:00.001-07:00

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions.. the area of my gum that wouldn't stop bleeding has now cleared up. I absolutely love my new WaterPik, so much so that a weekend away meant I only ended up desperate to use one on my return.. I DEFINITELY recommend using warm water if you have sensitive teeth (like me) - it's quite uncomfortable otherwise and almost painful. I got some orthodontic tips too, they are really useful for use after you've eaten/before you brush to get out the big chunks of food that are lodged in. I wouldn't say it was essential to have one, but they are pretty helpful. And the way I figure, I can carry on using it even after the de-bracing (though Lord knows that's a LONG way off yet...)

Not really anything to report brace-wise, still waiting for my next appointment and enjoying my time off (despite the English weather ruining my camping trips..) so I thought I would actually take the time to show my latest photos of my bite and how horrific it's gotten (although all the gaps have now closed up). They all show me biting down fully, even though it looks as though I have my jaws apart, this is just how large my crossbite is now. I think this is pretty much how they will stay until surgery; there aren't too many archwire changes left now I don't think. Still, we will see how it goes after the next ortho appointment.

Above photos: natural, and smiling (though not my full grin that I normally do without thinking!)

Closed bite.

It's odd, I used to hate the fact I had a 'big chin'. It's become ever-increasingly apparent now that I know what work I'm having done surgically is that a big part of it is how narrow the gap is between my top lip and nose. It's kinda scary to think about how much of a difference there will be, particularly in this region post-surgery. Really tough to envisage!

Gums..

2008-07-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

So the party was a great success, a good time was had by all and the breakages/tears were down to a minimum... Finally got everything cleared up and now am settling into having a nice relaxed summer..

I E-mailed my tutor who told me the people who I'll need to be in touch with next year about surgery etc. She specified that once I know the date they'll be better-placed to advise me about exams etc. So I can see this going round in circles a bit. Still, she was very reassuring saying that every year lots of students get sick etc and they find ways to overcome it. Hmm. I guess I'll just have to wait until next term now, to see what the clinical tutors have to say, and what my ortho has to say at my appointment next month.

The last couple of weeks have been hell on my poor gums. No matter how much I brush and mouthwash the gums lining my bottom right teeth have been a complete state and look as though they are rotting, and bleed all the time. Perhaps I've not been eating enough fruit. So I reached the end of my tether today and ordered a WaterPik seeing as some of you fab blogfolk love them so much. I just want my mouth to stop tasting so foul 10 minutes after I've brushed. So will let you know how it goes when it arrives!

Otherwise all pretty quiet on the orthodontic front. I don't think there's a whole lot of movement left, so my teeth are pretty much in the position they're gonna be for a while now. I'll take some pics soon and put them up.

Post-exam anti-climax

2008-07-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long while since my last update.. but guess my time got swallowed up preparing for my exams, and besides all was fairly quiet on the ortho front. Find out the results on Thursday, so fingers crossed!! I couldn't bear it if I had to go back to the books for the resits... Not going to think about it...

So today was my 25th birthday. The second birthday I have been wired up. And am feeling pretty lousy (usual for this time of year, not usually quite as bad though). I voiced my concerns with my ortho with regards to the fact that my Christmas holiday consists of 2 weeks off followed by exams. As does every holiday for the next year. Not ideal candidates for surgery time, needless to say. She kept trying to hint that it wasn't an emergency, and that I could wait as long as I needed but it's so hard to try and put across how big a deal it is having to live the way I am now, and that I can't really keep on like this for more than a few months. So, basically I am going to have to email my tutor and find out what the deal is with the school. It's a complete headache, frankly.

On the flip side I did something incredible today and actually donated blood. Now that might not sound like a big deal, but anyone who knows me would tell you that I completely go to pieces at the mere thought of blood donation. But I plucked up the courage today, and it really wasn't so bad.

So generally speaking am just feeling a bit numb and depressed. We're throwing the party on Saturday so am hoping that will cheer me up a little but am not feeling too hopeful, especially knowing how many folks have bailed on me already. Ah well, there will be a good crowd there and plenty of silly costumes to make up for it!!

Taste of what's to come...

2008-05-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

So at my appointment on Friday had the most joyous experience..

.. My ortho had to reposition my brackets which involved taking the old ones off - not so nice, but it allowed me the opportunity to run my tongue over the 2 exposed teeth for just a few seconds! It was heavenly! Can't wait to experience de-bracing now even though it's a LONG way off.. but I know it will be worth it!

Looks pretty likely that the op won't be til around Christmas most likely. It's annoying because seems to be a lot of fine tuning going on now, that normally happens after apparently, but seems as though consultant prefers it all done before. I don't mind waiting, but I'm just worried about the timing etc as Christmas will only have a couple of weeks off for holiday (ie study leave) and then straight into exams. Naturally, would rather they get done over the summer when I have more time off. May voice concerns at next check-up.

Have had a rough couple of days, my mum has decided now that she's found out about how much I've suffered in the past, it's a great idea to try and push me to talk about it and brings stuff up at every opportunity, and always seems to know how to say the wrong things to upset me. Does anyone else have a hard time trying to voice how they feel about the whole situation? I guess that's why we all blog on here, so that's my question answered really..

I met a guy in the bar after our last exam on Friday and got chatting, and it transpired that he'd had a mandiblar retraction a couple of years ago, he looked so great! It was so nice talking to someone face-to-face about what he'd been through etc and really gave me some piece of mind. Still find it funny that anyone I'm gonna meet post-surgery will never have known my 'old' face..

Distractions...

2008-05-20T15:00:00.001-07:00

So all is well with the world again.. What better way to distract oneself and cheer up than planning a party...

It's mine and housemate's birthdays in July (a long way off I know!!) And for a change think it's time to throw a big party. So we've decided to honour the timely theme of dressing up.. But wanted something a bit different so we came up with the idea of video games...

Now I know nothing about video games, but my other housemate is a dedicated gamer and so between him and net research, we have come up with a few ideas..

...Tifa from Final Fantasy 7....

.... Julia Chang from Tekken....

... Or Paine from Final Fantasy X

I cannot even begin to describe how excited I am already, I love dressing up!!! So if anyone has any thoughts on the final decision or any better ideas, let me know :)

..I'm still trying to convince my housemate to go as 'PacMan'. That would be hilarious....

Fed Up

2008-05-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored of sitting in front of my books now.

As ever when things are weighing me down, it's manifesting as hatred towards my teeth. Seems so unfair to have to be going through all this. Just want it all done with, exams and surgery.

That would be nice.

Appointment on Friday, after my exam (so no celebrating for V..Well maybe just a little..). Let's hope there's no hitches this time. Not looking forward to having my brackets moved, I'm sure it won't hurt. Just hope that my teeth behave themselves...

Urgh. Should do some more study but am exhausted, time for bed methinks...

Powerchain club member..

2008-04-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. Well, a mini powerchain just to close up the little gap from when they pulled me teeth apart to turn my canines. But she has put some ligature across the whole of the bottom row and it has actually imprinted itself on the inside of my lip and HURTS LIKE HELL. I look as though a bee has flown in and stung the inside of my lip. Not unlike a white, female version of Bubba from Forrest Gump in fact.. And not even with the comedy accent...

Also need to have some brackets moved but ran out of time so back in a month. Got to see my new casts though, seeing them next to each other really allowed me to see how much they've moved already! And aligning them to roughly how they will look post-surgery almost seems worth it...

Britton really helpfully posted a link after my last post, http://www.archwired.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=25578

and I wanted to share one quote from it:

"It's odd, but I think the face I see in the mirror now is more like the image of myself I saw in day dreams than my original face was."

I think I may have come across as someone obsessed with the idea of beauty in my last post, but I wanted to share this with you as it really struck a note. It's not even like I'm going through all of this because I want to become 'beautiful', I know that this can only come from within - if that was the case there would be plenty of other things to 'fix'! However, it is almost that I need to reconcile how I look in my head with the actual image you see in front of the mirror. I know that doesn't really make much sense but I really feel that it will give me some inner peace when the person that looks back at me is the person I'm expecting to see. I feel as though despite being so happy within myself, there would always be a small part of my life on hold until that happens, which is what pushed me to finally take the plunge.

Otherwise, life is good. I have my first exams in about 2 weeks which I fear the ostrich tactics of burying one's head in the sand may not have been the most useful.. So I am off to do some hardcore study!

I'm Back!

2008-03-26T03:17:00.000-07:00

Hi all, sorry for the absence..

Well it has certainly been a busy month for V! Finally got round to moving out of Mum & Dad's again (after like 4 years of being home) which is why I've had minimal access to the net.. All good now though. So just the small matter of cramming all my schoolwork like crazy before the exams.. they're still a way off but there is so much to do!

I had an ortho appointment week before last... Managed to get the bigger wire on the top without problems, hooray! So no changing of bands... My ortho said that the bottom wire was now the highest spec we would go and the top should probably be the same not next visit, but the one after. She's been pretty happy with how they're decompensating. So I say 'What's next?' and she tells me that when the thickest wire goes on she'll take some more casts and we'll have an assessment about where to go next. Was weird seeing my old cast and how much my teeth have moved! Before I leave she asks if I'll wait and she'll just double check with the prof whether he's happy with the progress. So he comes over and she explains to him where we're at.

'Take the casts today.' Was his response... then they have a bit of a discussion along the lines of:

'Well there's usually a lag time with the surgeons, so if you've only got a couple of months or so of treatment left it's better to take them today and then have the clinic when you're ready and then they can put in the splint (still don't know what that is!!) and then it's surgery.'

Now I don't want to get too over-excited but I'm sure that sounds more like it'll be in a few months rather than Christmas.. Still, I didn't want to press her for info after the prof. left, because although I am impatient to get it done, I don't want to force it early if my teeth aren't ready. If I've waited nearly 25 years to get it done a few more months won't hurt, right??

So I'm trying to focus on it being Christmas but I can't help getting a bit excited that it may be earlier. We'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

Have been having a bit of a down time with it all again over the last couple of weeks though. Just looks so awful and my confidence is so low that I can't wait to have the surgery, even if the braces have to stay on for ages after and it is the scariest thing ever. Am a bit worried that maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on the improvement I'm expecting. I really feel like I'm waiting for it all to happen so I can just start my life afresh - that's how much of a big deal it is to me and am worried it won't make an ounce of difference to how I feel in the long run. What have been my post-surgery buddies experience of long-term impact? It'd be interesting to hear.

I think we can all safely say I need to spend more time focusing on study and not thinking about it all too much!!

Bonjela

2008-02-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

I love this stuff, seriously. Along with wax. And mouthwash. Even though despite all these I STILL have a massive hole inside my lip that's been there for a week.. No doubt as to which way my teeth are moving though!!

I don't so much like having to give pointless presentations for school when I could be doing some productive work.

Like procrastinating and updating/reading blogs!! :)

Some pictures...

2008-02-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Thought it was about time I posted a few pictures, seeing as there aren't too many of us Class III-ers on here!!

Have a couple from before having my brace, including an absolutely horrific one where I was lurking in the background talking to a friend and got caught in the crossfire! I think everyone will have some kind of photo like that which makes them just feel a bit sick; I have to delete them straight away in a kind of quick-before-anyone-notices way.. funny really, but I forget that people see me in profile all the time so it's not really that big a deal. But still.. I would never have wanted to post it somewhere so public but I hope it helps support others and help us realise that being so insecure about something and wanting to change it when you have the opportunity is nothing to be ashamed of..!

Also have a couple of more recent ones, including one in a wig - what a fun night, but that's a different story - just to show that my pout is no longer good enough to hide that hideous crossbite!!

New wires

2008-02-12T02:38:00.000-08:00

So the appointment on Friday was a bit frustrating.. I asked my ortho how she thought I was doing with progress, and it was a bit so-so about whether I'd be ready for summer.. So I will probably book my holiday in early September. But the good news is, she reckons if we're looking at holiday timing, then maybe around Christmas - which is earlier than I was expecting after my initial consultation. I can't imagine what state my teeth will be in by then.. :S And it won't be ideal as there will be exams just after... But hey it's a distant light at the end of the tunnel.

I've had so much trouble with the alignment of my molars though, Friday ended up being quite painful. I don't know how everyone else's wire changes go, but my appointments never stick to half hour, something always goes wrong. The top wire got stuck, and my poor ortho struggled to get it out and was yanking so hard on my molars, she had to cut it eventually and thread it out through the back. One of my bands was a bit loose, so she re-glued that, and then attempted to put same calibre wire in.

Which got stuck going in.

So she tried pulling it out, but it got stuck again so had to be cut.

Tried a slightly lower wire..

.. Which got stuck.

On trying to pull that one out, the bracket gets knocked off, so needed that re-glued.

Needless to say, it hurt a lot and think all the frustration got to me and had a bit of a cry, though at least it was under the guise of being in pain! My ortho is such a star though, I don't know how she puts up with me, there's so much history of sadness and she gets the full brunt of it. Think it's just that awkward halfway stage, where have had them long enough to get fed up, but still a long way to go..

So have now ended up with pathetic wire on top, that won't do much until she tries to put a bigger one in in a few weeks (if it doesn't work may need all my bands changed.. :S) but it means having a strong steel one on the bottom the discrepancy is gonna get bigger between my bite. Still, fingers crossed for the next appointment.

Impending appointment...

2008-02-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

So the wire change is coming up on Friday, it will have been a whole 8 weeks as my ortho decided to 'leave it a bit longer to give these ones a chance to really work'. I've decided I might well have to be the annoying 'are we there yet??' kid and see if I can get an idea on progress.. Really don't want to be a pain but then I'd like to know if I can make plans for the summer - think I'm being super-optimistic even considering there may be a chance it will happen then, but I'd like an idea. It has been 7 months now after all!!

Can't quite believe I will have to have my braces on for *that* much longer, even though I was warned it would take ages. It'll be a bit disappointing if I get told I need to wear them for another year or something, and although I know I won't be able to get a straight answer it'll be nice to have a rough idea as of course I have no way of knowing how far along the scale I am.

Am starting to find it hard to pose for photos now, before I had my pouting/tongue out down pat, but it's getting more difficult to cover up every day.

Anyway, enough of the whinging; life in general has been going great. I decided to hit 2008 running and make some serious changes. I'm moving out of mum & dad's again next week, which will be a great confidence-booster, and stopped having guy-drama by calling it a day and drawing a line under it all. School is going great and passed my exams (though of course even more to come). So it's only really the teeth bothering me, which makes a nice change. And with V-day (every singleton knows thats what D-day should be called instead..) looming, it is yet another occasion to question how happy I really am. Am the happiest I have been in a while, but find myself really putting the brakes on with guys and not even being able to flirt; there just aren't enough of them out there with a brace fetish!! Heehee.. Ah well, my yearly tradition of going out and having a good time will prevail, just have to see it out and then it's plain sailing! Hooray!

Update...

2008-01-05T14:27:00.000-08:00

So feel like I am having a rough time with my teeth at the moment. For the first time in ages they're not sore, there's no rubbing, the bleeding is pretty much non-existent now, and all the gaps are closed.. They just look bloody awful.

I was fully aware that they were going to get worse leading up to the op, but my bottom teeth are sticking out so much now I'm actually starting to not want to leave the house, which is bad.. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but it's like having your worst features put on show and highlighted. I guess that on the upside by the time op comes around I'll be desperate to have it done to stop them looking so bad...!! I'll have to start taking some photos and putting them up for you to see. I just have to keep reminding myself about the endpoint and I know it'll be worth it in the end.. It'd just be nice if people could understand me when I talk to them and not have to spit over them when I do!!! :D

I can't believe they have moved so much and yet it's gonna take ages before I'm ready for op. Really want to ask my ortho how long she reckons, but don't wanna sound like a whiny kid in the style of 'are we there yet??' every time I go to see her.. But if it potentially could be over summer I need to know otherwise I'm going to start thinking about what I'm going to do over the holidays..!!

Ortho put on a steel wire and a stronger copper one last visit and so wanted to leave them 8 weeks to 'really work' so will have to wait til Feb before I can make enquiries..

Braces

2007-12-02T03:55:00.000-08:00

Am having a bit of a rough time with my brace at the moment. Have had a couple of springs put in which are pulling a couple of my teeth apart to allow the ones next to them to rotate into place.. As a result seem to be bleeding a lot more. Every morning I'm waking up with the scummiest mouth ever and am spitting out brown stuff. Not nice, I know but then they don't warn you about things like that happening!

Also really starting to pull my teeth apart into position, my ortho warned me that my teeth would have to get worse before they get fixed but it's pretty grim. I know it will all be worth it in the end but the thought of needing them on for another 2 years or so is pretty disheartening.. Although the last few months have gone pretty quick, granted. Looked up some pics of surgery on the net the other day, not sure if it helped or made me feel worse but it still blows my mind what they are going to do!

The Start of the Journey...

2007-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

So I guess this is where it all begins. I'm currently just over 4 months into my orthognathic treatment in the UK.. For those not in the know that's orthodontic treatment that will ultimately end up in jaw surgery to correct my jaw malformation! This will be a long one I'm afraid, but once you're up to speed I'll keep them nice and short.. :)

I've decided to start posting, as when I first had to make the decision about what to do about my surgery, I found looking at pictures and reading other people's stories simulataneously frightened me as well as helped me come to a decision.. But I found that there weren't so many cases of my type (a Class III crossbite - or quite as extreme!!), or much help on some of the psychology behind it all; no-one I could find seemed to be going through quite the same as me. So I thought if I document some of the thoughts and ups and downs of my journey, it might help others to come to their own conclusions..

So where to start. Well, firstly I guess the main point to address is why now? I had my braces put in place on my 24th birthday, despite knowing it was an option when I was 17/18 or so. So let's start with a bit of background... You might want to make a cuppa at this point if you're still with me! :)

I first got seen by an orthodontist at about the age of 12 when my jaw started becoming pronounced and I first noticed it was getting worse. I wasn't bullied thankfully (I guess going to a girl's school helped) but just started being more aware and unhappy. If a cute boy got on the bus I would make sure I sat with my mouth covering my bottom jaw so that he couldn't see it. The rest of my face wasn't perfect, but my jaw became an issue - but then growing up is awkward for anyone no matter what you look like.

The thing was that on average, day-to-day, it wasn't a problem. Generally, you never get a full view of yourself in profile. I was always a very bubbly kind of girl and I wouldn't think about it most of the time, it just felt normal eating that way etc. But on those down, hormonal days I'd catch sight of myself in the mirror, or when a photo would inadvertantly be taken from the side it was absolutely soul-destroying. I thought 'God is this what I look like?? People must see me all the time and think what a freak I am but too polite/scared to say anything..' If you're a fellow sufferer I bet that you don't have photos in profile either. They just weren't allowed! Luckily, unlike some people it didn't stop me smiling and laughing; after all it wasn't so bad from the front and if I put on a happy front then maybe I'd actually feel that way.

For the most part this worked. I then went to a boys' school, where the 6th form was co-ed. After escaping any problems at school, they all hit me at once. I'd walk down the corridors and some of the boys would call out names like 'Witch' or 'Jimmy'.. I'd know this was a reference to Jimmy Hill the ex-footballer and my chin. Instead of brushing them off as I pretended to do, I realised that this was people's first impressions (despite the fact they were only adolescent boys - seems silly now!). It was when they'd call out when I was with a guy I liked that it became upsetting - how dare they draw attention to the one feature I despised; I didn't want them to see it, I felt it'd ruin my chances of getting with them!

So why did I not get my braces put on then? Well, I was in my rebellious teenage phase.. I wasn't going to let some silly boys make me change how I looked.. I was a nice person after all, and had plenty of friends. Why should I conform to what a society thinks is an acceptable way of looking? I thought, if I got my chin sorted out, I'll be perfect, and probably turn into some kind of bitch! I think my confidence started building a little and started thinking I was lucky; I could have had something a lot worse. My mum was taken ill too, and I think I just put it to the back of my mind as there were more important things to worry about.

At 18 I went away to uni. I couldn't believe it but for the first time I found that I could take my new-found confidence somewhere people didn't know me and find boys that were *actually* interested in me! It had been hard, watching all my friends get paired off, feeling like I was going to be 'left on the shelf'. Naturally this had nothing to do with me; it was all about my chin. It made me look so hideous and manly, or that's how I felt.

Generally I managed to get by quite happily; but then every so often when I was feeling vulnerable (usually - how typical) I'd go to the shopping centre during the holidays and hear someone calling out 'Jimmy' - knowing that obviously the boys were still around to taunt me, but never seeing who they were made me really feel under attack. Then once on a night out at uni (150 miles away from home) I politely asked a couple of guys if some chairs were free and heard one of them mutter something involving Jimmy - I couldn't believe it! I was horrified one of my friends may have heard them, and didn't want them to pick up on it.

In my final year I had a routine check up at the dentist; she'd taken some x-rays and while examining them mentioned that it seemed there was some trauma to my ligaments, probably due to my crossbite and it got me thinking.. I'd been having a little pain in my jaw for a while too, although it wasn't unbearable I started to worry a bit about what would happen if I *didn't* get it treated.. Would I be in terrible pain by the time I was 40? It suddenly didn't seem worth all my principles anymore, and I started doing some research into TMJ pain..

Anyway, the next couple of years were hectic and busy and I travelled somewhat, so it was never an option. However, I went for a check-up with another dentist and quizzed him about the ligament problems; I think I was desperate to have a consultation based on a non-aesthetic reason in all honesty. I then brought up the subject with my mum. She wasn't aware I'd actually thought about it again after seeming to have rejected the idea a while back. In fact, I'd hit a low point of self-confidence (a long story) but again it was 'only the chin to blame'. I think I realised then that no matter how much I built up my own confidence (which I'd learnt could only come from within; that's why I don't regret not having it done earlier as I'd learnt some valuable lessons!), I realised that there would always be this one thing coming back to haunt me; I couldn't shake it off no matter how hard I tried, it was so deep-seated in my psychology.

So I went back to the orthodontist that I'd seen when I was 11. Both my parents wanted to come with me but I told them I needed to do it on my own - the truth is I was terrified and had hidden how much it made me depressed for so many years I didn't want them to finally find out. It was like my guilty little secret.

I got to the orthodontist and was seen by one of the post-graduates that was supposed to be doing my treatment. I can't stress how important it is to have the right person; she was the loveliest girl ever and finally opened up.

I sobbed my way all the way through my story. There were years of depressed angst to spill out.

I've never really spoken about it to anyone since either. I never wanted to sound like a whiny, self-obsessed person; I had built up a great facade as full of confidence and didn't want that to get ruined. We had a consultation, she took some casts of my teeth and gave me a rough idea of what she thought would happen, but was going to analyse the casts to be sure. I was booked in to come and see the consultant orthodontist and maxfax surgeon, and would then make a decision - there was no pressure but I would have the facts by then.

I'd read so many scary things about wiring jaws etc and was still not even sure I wanted it done. I mean, jaw surgery??? It's pretty extreme. My whole face would change. Even though I didn't like it, I'd gotten used to the way I looked. How would it feel looking in the mirror and not seeing yourself looking back at you? Questions started buzzing round my head, and I started researching lots so that I'd be able to ask the consultants anything I needed to know. I was more bothered about the braces, surgery seemed too far off to worry about it! I was starting back at uni, how could I get braces again? What would I tell all my friends? Right down to silly things, like would it mean that I couldn't have an MRI if I needed one in the future if there were metal plates in my jaw and would I have problems kissing and being intimate (if I even found anyone that would dare date a girl with a brace??) Was I being completely vain in actually *wanting* it done??

It became ridiculous, and I lost a lot of sleep, but the day came round. The consultants were lovely and really thoroughly explained what they would do - I wanted to know to the letter. They told me that actually it wouldn't be just my mandible (bottom jaw) that would be broken and re-set, but that I'd also need my top (maxilla) brought forward. That came as a shock, and suddenly it seemed very scary indeed. More tears. If there's one thing that'll get me crying it's the subject of my chin! I was also told that my teeth would look worse before they got better.

Anyway I took the plunge and said yes. The first few weeks were a nightmare, but I've gotten completely used to it and even smile in photos now - or have got round it by pouting or sticking my tongue out! It even looks kind of cute, but getting to the stage where the crossbite is becoming exaggerated - it's hard taking the one thing you hate about yourself and drawing attention to it/making it worse..

I've learnt a lot though and my confidence is much higher again. I'd tell my friends that I was having it done and was met with a whole barrage of 'Why's??' - no-one ever realised the extent that it was a problem (to actually resort to have jaw surgery!). Many asked me what I was having done, as my teeth were straight! I still maintain they were just being polite but some people seemed to generally actually not realise that my bottom teeth were way in front of the top! It just goes to show that it's never quite as obvious as you think it is - I've seen pictures of people on the net that have had surgery that don't seem half as bad as me! But it's all relative - I'll notice it on others if there's a rare time I'll spot a big chin and know why..

Still, there's no turning back now. Surgery is a long way off and still feels scary, but there's a guy on my course looking into becoming a maxfax (maxillo-facial) surgeon and has seen lots of these ops done, and that's allayed my fears a bit. I'm still nervous about how I'm going to look - what if I hate my new face? But more than anything I'm fed up of the cut mouth and bleeding gums and food stuck in my brace and just want to be nearer the end! It's a long way off yet though and I hope some of you post-surgery/with braces/thinking about it will be coming along at least part-way with me :)

Here's to a life where I don't feel chained in by my chin!