Rollercoaster

I can't believe how quickly time has been flying. It almost seems impossible that I ever had a different face, and that it was broken a matter of weeks ago. Sometimes, I need to look at old pictures to remember what it was like - somewhat akin to pinching oneself to wake from a dream.

It's also coincided, that I have been incredibly busy at school, and have barely had time to contemplate things. I think this is definitely a good thing, and I am glad that I am still having my weekly counselling sessions as it is a good outlet particularly for the things that seem to be happening to me on a sub-conscious level, and to just live life during the rest of the time.

There is no question that I am so much happier with myself now, although I am having to work hard to undo the damage to my psyche from previous relationships and friendships and re-learning who I am again. I know it's going to be a long journey yet but I genuinely feel that the steps I am taking/have taken are heading in the right direction. I already feel more assertive in hospital, and am less happy to put up with things I don't want. I had it out with a friend that I'd been involved with romantically a while back, and said quite a few hurtful things, effectively burning any bridges in the process which was incredibly unlike me. It had been a tumultous, manipulative 'friendship' and he'd hurt me a lot but I'd never have made a scene before. It was a bit of a shock when I ended up walking past him at a train station, but it was a flash and I don't think he saw me, or if he did I was being ignored. It's a new thing for me to stand by my convictions and not cave in because I am worried about upsetting everyone, but I know it's not possible to please everyone - I just feel like I have more courage to stand up for what it is I want. I've undergone a life-changing life experience though, and my life has to change accordingly.

Knowing what one wants, however, is a whole different ball game - I think if anything that is the biggest lesson to be learnt. I know that I can stop feeling bad about myself now though, and concentrate on moulding myself as a person to match my new, wonderful face!

I *almost* feel like my old self again, when I was at my happiest!